For much of my adult life, I’ve lived as a people pleaser. Despite raising five children and having the responsibilities that come with it, I’ve often felt compelled to accommodate anyone who’d ask anything of me, no matter the chaos it created or the strain it might put on my personal wellbeing. That is, until about two years ago, when I burned out.
I therefore sought advice and learned the importance of creating boundaries. I learned to prioritize my needs, to say “no” when I felt pulled in too many directions, and to let go of responsibilities (and guilt) if they didn’t add to my family’s overall well-being.
I admit it created a nice change of pace. In fact, it served as a useful tool to clear my head, lighten my load, and frankly, make life a little more fun.
But…
Now that I’ve learned how to put up some necessary boundaries, I’ve also found myself feeling a little boundary happy, ready to build boundaries against anything and anyone that doesn’t directly enhance my life.
And it has me wondering, “When do boundaries just become excuses to avoid an authentic Christian life?”
After all, the Bible is replete with reminders for Christians to indiscriminately serve and bless those around us:
“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Leviticus 19:18.
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Philippians 2:3-4.
“Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for revile, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:9
“Beloved, do not imitate evil but imitate good. Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God.” 3 John 1:11
“Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.” Hebrews 13:16
“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” Luke 6:31
“You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way, which through us will produce Thanksgiving to God.” 2 Corinthians 9:8-11
“Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.” Proverbs 11:25
And so on…
Yet, indiscriminately serving can also take a toll on one’s ability to simply function.
Then, it dawned on me. Maybe boundaries are “good things,” but like all good things, we can have too much of them. And maybe a mature Christianity will help us discern when that happens.
So how can we know when we’ve passed the line of excess?
I think a solid start begins with this question: “Will my boundary ultimately allow me to love more?”
Christians are called to serve and love God, and at times, setting boundaries can help us meet that call. They help us focus on our own personhood, so we are emotionally and physically positioned to love others. They help us focus on our immediate family, so we are giving them the love they deserve. They sometimes help us step back from others in love when it is necessary for them to grow stronger themselves.
But healthy boundaries shouldn’t undermine love. They shouldn’t become an excuse to look at others as lesser or to just live life on a default “no” setting that seeks only to preserve our comfort, our wealth, our routines, or our selfish ambitions. In other words, if we are constructing boundaries just so we can sit in front of the television in our pajamas without interruption, then we’ve probably crossed the line.
So now, I’m working on discerning boundaries a little better–when to build them, when to moderate them, and when to destroy them. And I’m hoping they’ll never become a barrier between me and God.
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